My journey with Asperger's/Autism

It's kind of funny. Because of my trip to a psychologist earlier today, I feel as if I am beginning a journey. But in reality, I have been on the journey all my life. The past couple of years, especially, have been significant in forcing me to come face to face with who I am. At least two or three people that I have had contact with who had mental impairments caused me to feel sympathetic. Living with a mental illness and being conscious something is wrong with you is one of the worst difficulties ever. People think you're supposed to be normal, so you're rejected for acting weird; or they think of you as not all there, so you're rejected as inferior and unintelligent. 

Terror then struck when my own mental and social impairments surfaced to my realization more and more. I was-am-one of those people.

My psychologist's confirmation today that I do match up with a case of Asperger's (although he said the most recent terminology is "high-functioning Autism") left me with mixed feelings.

I'm going to be honest, I almost despaired a bit. It kind of hit me that I would always struggle with judgment and misunderstandings and loneliness. Maybe I would eventually destroy all my close relationships. Maybe the number of people who dislike me would grow and grow because of my lack of control over my facial expressions and tone of voice.

However, you could say it gave me validation. I can embrace it. I can learn from it. And most importantly, I can help others. My goal is to get the word out about high-functioning mental illnesses. People need to be inspired to stop the judging, the hasty assumptions, the subtle bullying and down-putting because you have no idea what is really going in someone's head.

Plus, it is kind of great to have my one little gift of perfect pitch. :)

I am encouraged and grateful to at least live in this era in which such diagnoses exist. It is time to move forward.

Power over demons

I tend to listen to a lot of lies from the devil. Lies like, I can’t be used by God, no one likes me, I am ugly, I have no worth.

The worst is when I recognize that it is the devil speaking, but I can’t stop believing him. Then I feel even worse, even farther away from God. It’s like being on the floor, being attacked, and not being able to get up. I deal with this every single day. It’s hard to write about, but at the same time it is an awesome story about God’s victory. The story is over a period of a few years, but I feel like God wants me to share it now.

I had a dream a few years ago. 

There were lots of familiar places in the dream, as there usually are in dreams, but in it God revealed specific people to me who were dealing with spiritual warfare. They were people that I knew for a fact were either depressed and inviting evil (like through cutting) and some people who were unwittingly operating under lies. The mood of the dream grew from tense (I could sense there was something not right) to an outright explosion of demonic activity. At the very end, I saw a woman I know grow angry and broke into a frenzy of screaming curses; her eyes seemed to be on fire; it was unnatural. Then the dream faded to black, like a movie right before the credits. And I heard a voice say “All power is given to me...and I am with you always.”

Yes, I was a bad Bible student, or whatever else you want to call me, because I didn’t know those two verses were in the same chapter. I was very excited and impacted by the dream. Of course, I prayed for the people in the dream, but then I quickly looked up those scriptures I had heard and I got chills.

Matthew 28:18 "And Jesus came and spake unto them, saying, All power is given unto me in heaven and in earth."

Matthew 28:20 "...and, lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the world. Amen."

I didn’t KNOW they were in the same chapter and I concluded God was speaking to me, revealing the connection between those concepts. I took it as a reminder that he has all power over all those demons, and he is with us. Isn’t that awesome, that we have the One who is omnipotent as our friend here on earth, protecting us and guiding us? 

A few years later, I felt that same excited, awesome feeling as I was rereading the new testament and the powerful works Jesus did.

Let’s look at two accounts from the Bible about casting out demons. 

Mark 1:21-27

21 Then they went into Capernaum, and immediately on the Sabbath He entered the synagogue and taught. 

22 And they were astonished at His teaching, for He taught them as one having authority, and not as the scribes.

23 Now there was a man in their synagogue with an unclean spirit. And he cried out, 

24 saying, “Let us alone! What have we to do with You, Jesus of Nazareth? Did You come to destroy us? I know who You are—the Holy One of God!”

25 But Jesus rebuked him, saying, “Be quiet, and come out of him!” 

26 And when the unclean spirit had convulsed him and cried out with a loud voice, he came out of him. 

27 Then they were all amazed, so that they questioned among themselves, saying, “What is this? What new doctrine is this? For with authority He commands even the unclean spirits, and they obey Him.”

Now let’s look at the other account; this one is from Mark 5:1-10.

1 Then they came to the other side of the sea, to the country of the Gadarenes.

2 And when He had come out of the boat, immediately there met Him out of the tombs a man with an unclean spirit, 

3 who had his dwelling among the tombs; and no one could bind him, not even with chains, 

4 because he had often been bound with shackles and chains. And the chains had been pulled apart by him, and the shackles broken in pieces; neither could anyone tame him. 

5 And always, night and day, he was in the mountains and in the tombs, crying out and cutting himself with stones.

6 When he saw Jesus from afar, he ran and worshiped Him. 

7 And he cried out with a loud voice and said, “What have I to do with You, Jesus, Son of the Most High God? I implore You by God that You do not torment me.”

8 For He said to him, “Come out of the man, unclean spirit!” 

9 Then He asked him, “What is your name?” And he answered, saying, “My name is Legion; for we are many.” 

10 Also he begged Him earnestly that He would not send them out of the country.

I can’t decide which of these stories is my favorite. In the first, I love how Jesus basically told the demon to shut up. In the second, the possessed man who could not be tamed ran and worshipped Jesus. And I love how the version in Matthew says that the spirit asked, "Have you come to torment us before the time?" They know their future and that they are already defeated! But in all accounts, the evil spirit recognized Jesus as the holy one of God and they obeyed his commands.

So just so we’re clear, Jesus has incredible, incomprehensible power over the devil and his servants. This is something to rejoice over! Yes, the demons hurt those men. They had control over them and they used and abused them. But when they saw Jesus, they saw the most high God. They knew exactly who he was and they believed and trembled that he had all power over them. 

So whenever you hear those condemning voices, those lies: 
“You are not worth anything.” 
“You should just die because no one cares.” 
“You can’t be forgiven.”
“Your scripture isn’t truth.” 

Call on the name of Jesus Christ. He will come running and your demon, whom you thought had so much power over you, will fall down and worship Jesus, son of the most high God. Jesus will command him to be quiet. He will command him to leave. And the demon must flee.

My meditation commentary on humility

Relying on our own strength we will fall; instead we must humble ourselves and rely on God’s strength. First I want to show how I believe humility relates to design, and then I will talk about what lessons I am learning about the humility of Jesus Christ from which we should learn.

“What is man, that thou art mindful of him? and the son of man, that thou visitest him? For thou hast made him a little lower than the angels, and hast crowned him with glory and honour.” Psalm 8:4, 5. The psalmist is in awe of the position God has given man. This is the kind of mindset we, as sinful human beings should have. That the King of kings would be mindful of us should not cause us to be puffed up and prideful and to imagine it is because of our great accomplishments. True humility is to see that we can be called friends of God and recognize who we are in comparison to him.

Recently reading the account of Jesus’ crucifixion again, I was moved as always, but the aspect of Jesus’ humility through it all struck me in a new way. Many people focus on the pain of the torture Jesus underwent, but even before any of that began, he was arrested, interrogated, mocked, paraded back and forth like a common prisoner, and even slapped in the face and told not to “talk back”. Through it all he remained humble and compliant.

His humility not only in his death, but in his entire time of existence on the earth speaks volumes. Our Savior never proclaimed himself king from a throne, or dwelt in palaces, demanding the obeisance and worship he rightfully deserved. We also never read of him proclaiming himself the Messiah. He let the prophecies, evidence, and his deeds speak for themselves. Who had a right to honor and credit more than Jesus? But if he could take on lowly positions, serve others, and fellowship with the least of his creation, how much more should we? 

Pinterest Fails

I love Pinterest, I really do. But sometimes it brings out the cynicism in me and I have to laugh.

This would be lovely.....until it rains.

My mom did this. It was back-breaking work. In hardly any time at all it will become broken and cracked from the weather, then uneven as weeds grow up underneath.

If you have never had kids or siblings, it's natural that you will get a big shock at what is going to happen next when your child uses this. Hint: hopefully you hadn't just polished your mirror.

My little brother and I came across this one. His response: "Why would anybody want to eat those?!" I said, "They aren't for eating, they're for decoration." He was disgusted. Bottom line: just serve real ice cream cones at your child's birthday party and I guarantee you everybody will be happy.

When a picture is titled, "Why didn't I think of that?" I like to take it upon myself to answer.

Because why on earth would you want a dress made out of gummy bears?! It's almost the same purpose as the paper ice cream cones above.

Because your child is going to pinch his finger in it and scream. Game night over.

So true...unless you want to climb a mountain, ride a horse, go to a nice restaurant with a dress code, or in general walk without tripping.

This one is titled: how to make a sea shell picture frame.

Well, let me guess - you glue the shells onto the frame? Why didn't I think of that?

Dream Chronicles 3

The game Dream Chronicles 3 displays ways I would like to decorate my home some day.

Introverts! :)

Do you ever hear songs a lot then one day suddenly realize that the words are exactly the way you are thinking at this moment in time?


You have walked these roads before me
You have known the pain a broken heart can bear
Won't You help me now to trust You
Every single day
I follow in Your way

I live for You, I live for You
When I think of all Your love has done for me
I live for You
Never looking back to what life used to be
I live for You
And everything I ever thought was mine
I'd give it all away to have You in my life

I see you in the crystal waters
And I have felt You in the dark of my despair
You have shown a love unfailing
A river running deep 
That's welling up in me

I know it's gonna take a sacrifice
I want to see the world through Your eyes
I live for You the rest of my life


"Live for You" by Rachel Lampa