It's kind of funny. Because of my trip to a psychologist earlier today, I feel as if I am beginning a journey. But in reality, I have been on the journey all my life. The past couple of years, especially, have been significant in forcing me to come face to face with who I am. At least two or three people that I have had contact with who had mental impairments caused me to feel sympathetic. Living with a mental illness and being conscious something is wrong with you is one of the worst difficulties ever. People think you're supposed to be normal, so you're rejected for acting weird; or they think of you as not all there, so you're rejected as inferior and unintelligent.
Terror then struck when my own mental and social impairments surfaced to my realization more and more. I was-am-one of those people.
My psychologist's confirmation today that I do match up with a case of Asperger's (although he said the most recent terminology is "high-functioning Autism") left me with mixed feelings.
I'm going to be honest, I almost despaired a bit. It kind of hit me that I would always struggle with judgment and misunderstandings and loneliness. Maybe I would eventually destroy all my close relationships. Maybe the number of people who dislike me would grow and grow because of my lack of control over my facial expressions and tone of voice.
However, you could say it gave me validation. I can embrace it. I can learn from it. And most importantly, I can help others. My goal is to get the word out about high-functioning mental illnesses. People need to be inspired to stop the judging, the hasty assumptions, the subtle bullying and down-putting because you have no idea what is really going in someone's head.
Plus, it is kind of great to have my one little gift of perfect pitch. :)
I am encouraged and grateful to at least live in this era in which such diagnoses exist. It is time to move forward.
